The
Global Protectors – Tangents
By Marcus_Lycus@hotmail.com
The
lesson of this story is never throw anything away. In another story I needed a quick one-liner about some bimbo
heroines and the name
Legal
Horrors:
And
finally, please e-mail me with any comments, complaints or suggestions. Remember feedback leads to more stories!
Tangent
5 – The Secret Origin of
"And today on Cape TV's Behind the
Masks Jerry Gerard has a blast from the past, a bit of history from the wacky
90’s; please welcome Sandra Birchwood, better known as Bikini Force's
Sand!"
The monitors started showing
pictures. The famous 1996 cover of
Capes & Masks Illustrated showing four gorgeous girls hugging each
other. There was a blue-eyed blonde in
a red bikini, a slim Asian girl in her white bikini, a tan dark haired girl in
a blue one and a tall brown haired girl in a yellow bikini. It looked like any of a hundred other
swimsuit shots except that the four girls were all wearing domino masks and
hovering 100s of feet above
"That image was the top-selling
superheroine poster until La Sola's famous 'flying buttress' poster came out in
2002."
It was followed by other shots of the
slim, fit, brown haired 19-year old in her trademark yellow bikini. She was posing in front of a mountain of
sand with several black-masked terrorists buried in it. Looking over the beach perched provocatively
on a 100' column of sand. The crowd
hooted and hollered appropriately.
"For almost five years Bikini Force
fought crime on the beaches of
A rather large woman waddled out on stage
smiling as the audience fell dead silent.
A few applauded politely. She
took her seat on the couch, it groaned under her weight.
"So
"Actually Jerry I think it's better
to start at the beginning…"
***
The year was 1996. People were just starting to get excited by
this newfangled thing called e-mail, Seinfeld ruled the airwaves and the Spice
Girls and Scatman were actually popular singers and not just obscure trivia
questions.
And in
"Come ON
"Chill out Suzy, like check it out,
total superhero fight up there."
"Like WHATEVER. As long as they don't trash the beach.”
But a half-hour later the four girls
found themselves stuck in traffic watching the tail end of the super battle.
"So like, which ones are the
villains again?"
"That Arab guy's the bad guy (of course)
and the rest of them are the heroes."
"But they like have guns and are
shooting people and stuff. Superheroes
don't do that."
"Geeze you sound like my mom. This is like the 90's, boy scouts with capes
are out, it's all about extreme action!
Those are the Blood Corps, like the most extremest heroes ever."
"Extremest? Is that even a word?"
***
"Get him!" Gun Guy yelled grimly through gritted teeth
his 50mm gatling grenade launcher kicking in his bionic arm.
"That guy sure has some guts. Hey Claw Guy, let's spill 'em!" Ninja Chick quipped grimly.
"Grrrr!" Claw Guy growled grimly as he fell into a
berserker rage.
"Eat hot gamma rays
@$$hole!" Nuclear Guy screamed
grimly unleashing a stream of deadly radiation.
Hovering above them on his flying carpet
Ahriman just laughed. Holding a glowing
vial in his hand he barked a word of command.
Gun Guy's explosive shells were harmlessly defected by a gale wind. Ninja Chick was engulfed in a block of
stone. Claw Guy burst into flame, not
even his healing factor could keep him in the fight. A huge wave engulfed Nuclear Guy cooling his atomic pile. The purple garbed magi laughed again. "Fools of fools, so long as I command
the elemental essences of the four genie, the Djinn, the Efreeti, the Jann and
the Marid I am invincible!"
***
"Sandra, did he actually say that or
did you just add it in so the plot would make more sense?"
"No Jerry he really talk like
that. Villains back then were coming
out of the woodwork, no one really had time for proper origins, they'd show up
level a city or two, explain themselves with some throw away dialogue and then
get shot up or whatever. Like remember
that guy who killed Ultraman, what was his name Deathdoom or something?"
"The one with the spiky bits? Yeah Sandra I know who you mean."
"Right, well he crawled out of a
hole, walked to Megapolis, killed Ultraman and died. What the heck? No origin,
no motivation, no backstory, just pointless violence. That was pretty much the 90's for you."
"Whew, good thing we're past all
that."
"Don't be so sure, didn't you hear
the Blood Corps is reuniting under their original creators?"
***
Back at the battle…
"So you're invincible so long as you
got your shinny thing huh? Nice of you
point that out!" Cyber Chick grimly
aimed her laser-sighted smart gun at Ahriman's leather glove and fired one
depleted uranium armor-piercing round.
The bullet caught Ahriman in the wrist, severing his left hand in a
fountain of blood!
"Noooooooo!" Ahriman yelled as the vial fell to the earth
below.
"One shot… one kill…" Cyber Girl pronounced grimly.
Suddenly free, Ninja Chick leapt upward
and grimly impaled the Zoroastrian magi on her psi-katana.
"He got the point." Ninja Chick chuckled grimly as she wiped the
blood from her grim face.
"You have not seen the last of me
Blood Corps!" Ahriman yelled as he
teleported away leaving only a pool of blood.
"Should we go after him?" Cyber Girl asked grimly.
"Why bother! We got some cold brews waiting back the
Blood Bunker!" Gun Guy laughed
grimly.
The Blood Corps grimly picked up Claw
Guy's burnt body and Nuclear Guy's damaged containment suit and left in their
armored hovertank the Blood Panzer.
***
"What'd'ya think that was
about?"
"Who the hell knows, it was sure
cool though, did you see the way Ninja Chick was all like HAI-YA? Awesome!
Extreme!"
"Whatever. Now let's get to the beach."
None of the four girls even noticed the
glass vial landing in their beach bag or the strange lights as the vial cracked
open.
***
"Guys, like, my bikini feels all
funny."
Suzy was standing in the changing room in
her red bikini with an uncomfortable look on her face.
Jenny Tien felt the same way about her
white bikini but said nothing, just enjoying the sight of her friend's discomfort. She decided to tease her. "Gee Suzy maybe your tits got even
bigger."
"Very funny Jenny" the blonde
replied shaking her D-cups at her under-endowed Chinese friend.
"Come on! The sun, the sand, the surf and the sky are waiting!" She grabbed her towel and ran out to join
Sandy and Christy on the beach.
Suzy hesitated for a few seconds, she
really felt weird, like all hot and stuff but, hey it was labor day weekend,
the last hurrah of summer and she wasn't going to miss it for some flu or something.
Obsessed with the beach, she never even
noticed the purple robed figure lurking near the women's locker room.
"Strange, my mystic senses have led
me here but why? Can that ignorant girl
have some knowledge of where has my elemental vial has gone-"
"Hey you! You in the purple robes!
Stop lurking around the woman's locker room you pervert!"
"Curses…" Ahriman muttered skulking away from the
security guard.
***
"So Jerry we were having a good
time, playing volleyball and stuff, which was cool cause like Suzy's boyfriend
Gary had broken up with her and Jenny was seeing him behind her back and me and
Christy knew about it but didn't want to say anything to Suzy cause then she'd
go all postal and stuff-"
"Uh Sandy, sorry to cut you off like
that but I can't imagine anyone cares.
Can we get back to the action please?"
"Uh right, sorry."
***
Jenny jumped again spiking the ball and
making Suzy eat dirt, her large breasts grinding into the coarse sand. Jenny loved it, last time they played
volleyball she made her friend's top rip off; she'd had to run back to the car
with her tits bouncing all the way. But
this suit seemed to be made of stronger stuff.
Jenny decided to try harder.
It's not that she hated Suzy or anything, she just liked to, y'know
bring her down a few notches every now and then.
Sandy and Christy knew better than to get
between the two and just played for fun.
And kept going!
Her three friends watched dumbfounded as
the Chinese girl soared gracefully through the air her volleyball hovering a
few feet above her.
Finally Jenny hit the ball sending it
screaming towards the Earth like a meteor.
Sandy and Christy ran for cover but Suzy stood her ground, jumped into
the air, rose twenty feet and hit the ball back. The leather ball burst into flames and shot past Jenny falling
once more towards the hot dog stand.
The customers and cook jumped out just at the ball turned the wood stand
into an inferno.
Christy screamed as it exploded and
pointed at the stand. Behind her a huge
wave formed, stood motionless for ten seconds and crashed down extinguishing
the fire.
Jenny was diving towards Suzy by
then. Gale force winds were kicking up
around the blonde but Suzy just screamed at her, "You did that on purpose
you meany!" She didn't seem to
notice that flames were forming by her fingers.
But before the two girls could trade
blows, tons of sand rose burying them both up to their necks.
"Hey you two! Calm down!"
The girls gathered around and looked at
the beach and then at each other.
"How did you…"
"Did you see…"
"I can't believe…"
"Like wow…"
***
"So that's how it all started
huh?"
"Pretty much. So like after the shock was over we talked
about how we could use our powers to better humanity and, y'know get rich and
stuff. So we went back to Suzy's house
cause her parents were in
***
Suzy, Sandy and Christy were sitting
around the living room eating chips and drinking diet soda. They'd peeled off their bikinis and were
just wearing tee shirts and panties. After
a bit Jenny came out of the shower wrapped in a towel and whining as usual.
"Geeze Sandy, do you have any clue
how much sand I had in my hair. Little
warning next time!"
"Like sorry. Next time I'll just let you and Jenny kill
each other with your super powers."
"Like, that was really weird. Where'd we get these powers and stuff? Are we like mutants? Are we gonna have to fight Giant Purple
Robots and our time-traveling kids from a nightmarish future? Cause if we do then count me out, I'll get a
mutantectomy or something."
"Well, y'know I took Superheroes 101 last semester and I had an idea about
how like, our powers are based on the 4 Elements-"
"Paul, John, George and Ringo?"
"Meat, Dairy, Fruits and
Grains?"
"Chocolate, Alcohol, Grease and
Caffeine?"
"No silly I mean Fire, Water, Earth
and Air. That Arab guy mentioned it
when he was fighting the Blood Corps and I figure maybe his little magic bottle
thing fell into our beach bag and like, magic stuff leaked into our suits
giving them magic powers."
"So like we only have powers when we
wear our bikinis?"
"That would suck, why'd it have to
be the white one, my pink suit is so much cuter."
"Let's try it!" Suzy pointed at the fireplace but as hard as
she tried she couldn't shoot any fire.
Jenny jumped up and down till her towel fell off (much to the amusement
of the others) but couldn't fly.
Christy whipped off her tee shirt and put
her suit back on. She summoned a
floating cloud of water out of the kitchen sink and refilled everyone's cups.
"Huh. Guess it is the suits.
Without them we're just plain old Sandy, Suzy, Christy and Jenny but
with them we're like… what are we gonna call ourselves anyway?"
"Well Sandy you have it easy,
Sand."
"Sand? You mean like Dirt?
That's a dumb name; look out guys Sand is coming!"
"No, no, no it can be like a
theme! You'll be Sand, and Suzy will be
Sun and I'll be Surf-"
"And I'll be Sky! We’ll be like a bikini beach party!"
"Right! Together we'll be Bikini Force!"
They all giggled.
***
"So Sandra what exactly were your
powers?"
"Well it was like Christy said, we
each controlled an element, in my case it was earth. I could make dirt and rocks and sand move. Surf, her real name was Christina Rivera,
could do the same for water. Sun,
that's Susan Lighte, had these light and fire powers and Sky, Jennifer Tien,
controlled air."
"That's pretty powerful stuff. You could have been real heavy
hitters."
"Looking back I see that now, but we
were kind of y'know young and not too serious.
I mean when I think about our first real superhero battle…"
***
"Like you crack dealers are so
gross! Messing up our beaches with your
little vials and all those yucky crack 'hos.
You guys suck!"
Sun shook her finger at the crack
dealers, buried up to their necks in sand.
Surf was washing their crap out from under the boardwalk while Sand and
Sky were posing for the newspapers.
"Bikini Force Cleans up
The word was already getting around that
a new group of heroines was protecting the beaches of
Feminists hated them but everyone knows
that guys make up 95% of the superhero audience and, hey, hot chicks and
bikinis sell. After just two months,
without a single major super battle to their credit, Bikini Force was already
the most popular super team in
They'd added color coordinated domino
masks and 'BF' lockets to their bikinis but other that that the girls were just
wearing their magic swimsuits and tan taunt flesh.
Sweeping out the crack dealers from
***
But across the street…
"Abdul, I have brought your Brothers
of the Blade here for one reason, to reclaim the Genies' essences from those
foolish girls! My mystic senses tell me
the four Genies' power has somehow been imprisoned in their scandalous outfits. Bring me them and their bikinis and once
more I shall command the power of a god!"
Ahriman gestured upwards with his gold hook and laughed evilly.
“So, uh, you want them dead right?” Abdul carefully balanced a throwing knife on
the tip of his finger and with a casual gesture flipped it onto a Bikini Force
magazine cover so that it landed right in Sand’s forehead.
“NO!
No, no a thousand times NO! You
must not kill them! For the elemental
essences have passed in part to them and I need their living bodies to reclaim
the power in full!”
Abdul looked out the window at Sky and
Sand posing for photographers. Sky was
flying over the crowd showing off her slim shapely body while Sand had created
a tower for herself to stand on and display her own curvy athletic form.
Abdul nodded to himself. Taking them alive was so much better. This job would beat the hell out of
assassinating some oil sheik.
"In that case, Ahriman, I'm your
man."
***
With a wild cry the Brothers of the Blade
attacked!
Each wore red robes with a white
headscarf covering the face and wielded curved daggers and throwing
knives. The spun like dervishes
emitting wild yells scaring off the civilians, leaving the heroines to face
them alone.
Actually Sky ran too but halfway down the
block the Chinese girl remembered she was supposed to fight those guys.
With a wave of her hand Sand managed to
trap one of them in three tons of dirt but another tagged her with a blowgun
dart knocking her out.
Sun spun around from admonishing the
crack dealers and shot a bolt of light at Mohammed blinding him, but Khan
jumped down from the boardwalk and slammed the hilt of his curved dagger into
her skull. She went down like a
shapely, curvy, bag of potatoes.
It was now two on two. Surf ran for the water and perched on top of
a wave under her control while Sky hovered nearby. One of the assassins grabbed Sand's body while the other held a
knife to Sun's throat.
A stand off.
"Hey guys, like, let them go
OK?" Christy whined infectively.
"Give us the bikinis or we kill
them!" Abdul barked back.
Abdul stuck his dagger under the thin
strings holding Sun's tight bikini top on and started to cut.
And tried harder.
And tried harder.
Cursing in Persian he tossed her face
down in the sand and pulled at the loose knot holding her red suit on but it
would not budge.
Sky and Surf realized what was going on
and went into action. A gale force wind
tossed Abdul into the ring toss booth scattering stuffed animals. A tidal wave of water washed Khan off of Sand
and cast him out to sea.
"Brothers of the Blade! Retreat!"
As the assassins fled the girls laughed
at them.
"Teach you to mess with Bikini
Force!"
"Yeah we're the heroes of the beach
dudes and don't you forget it!"
***
"So Sandra, you just let them
go? You must have realized they could
have killed you."
"Well actually I was still
unconscious at the time, it was Sky and Surf who let them go but yeah, I
probably would have done the same thing.
I mean it just felt like a game y'know.
So that's how we learned that our suits would not come off unless we
wanted them to, which was kind of neat. Y'know Jerry we didn't wear much
clothing but at least we kept what we had on, unlike some heroines these
days. At least most of the time…”
“Most of the time?”
“Well there was that time at Mardi Gras
of course, you’ve probably seen the video.
And then there was the next time we met Ahriman. He managed to ambush us and uh… trick us into
taking our bikinis off. That was a
close call."
“Tricked you into taking your bikinis
off? How did he do that?”
“Uh…”
***
"The Capes & Masks Hot
100?"
"The cover?"
"Just us 4?"
"Like wow!"
Bikini Force were at their
The next weekend they were at a hotel in
"Greeting you nubile young fools,
you may call me Arnie Mahn and I shall use this opportunity to dominate
you!"
"Hee-hee, you're funny Arnie."
"Funny? Yes quite so, funny, joke, nothing suspicious at all."
"Hey Arnie why do you keep your hand
in your jacket like that?"
"Nothing! No reason! Do not even
give it another thought! Proceed now to
your individual photo shoots so that we may victimize you!"
"Victimize?"
"Perhaps I misspoke, I meant…
immortalize! Yes. Now go! Go!"
***
Down on the beach Suzy smiled sweetly and
giggled for her cameraman, Moe. She
wiggled back and forth for him jiggling her prominent breasts in front of the
man’s face. She wasn’t trying to excite
him or anything, she just did it naturally.
Mohammed muttered to himself in Persian
and tried to repress the urge to stab the busy blonde infidel to death with his
knife. Or stab her with something else
entirely.
***
Jenny tried not to scowl as she lay down
in the hotel bed. Looking out the
window she could see that slut Suzy flirting and waving her breasts
around. She faked a smile for Harry her
cameraman and spread her legs as far as she could, letting a few strands of
pubic hair show at the edges of her bikini bottom. She’d show that blonde how to get an audience!
Hussein tried not to look and was
grateful he’d never put film in his camera.
***
Standing on a rock by the sea Christy
decided to be bold. She knew that it
was time to outgrow this whole ‘Bikini Force’ thing while there was still
time. She was a communications major and
was well aware the team was a fad, it would burn brightly for a while and then
vanish into the night and they’d end up where ever groups like Menudo, Gen13, the New Warriors and New Kids on the
Block went to die. Leading the C&M
Hot 100 pretty much would be their peak, they might manage to stay on top for a
few months after that, maybe a year but then…
The only way any of them was going to get out with a career was to break
out of the pack and go solo. And this
was as good a time as any. She didn’t
feel guilty at all, she was sure the others were trying their best to do the
same thing.
So Christy turned her back to Abe and
undid her blue bikini top and let it fall to the ground at his feet. She hugged her breasts (covering just enough
to keep the shoot ‘decent’) and turned to him puckering her lips. She blew him a kiss.
Abdul snapped away very grateful he’d put
film in his camera.
***
Khan took some standard pictures of the
girl by the pool wondering if the others had the same sinful thoughts he
did.
***
Mohammed trotted up and down the beach
following the busty blonde, shooting her from every angle. Sun obliged him by flying overhead, hovering
upside down and causing her skin to glow like gold with her solar powers.
Winded he finally returned to his blanket
to sit down for a second. Suzy landed
smoothly next to him. She looked at the
small dark man. She admired his lean
muscles under the tight sweaty tee shirt and his coffee-colored skin. She wondered if he was Mexican, she’d heard
things about Mexicans.
“Like Moe, you must be so hot in those
jeans and that vest dude.”
“I…”
He couldn’t think with those breasts so close.
She noticed and giggled. “Come on!”
She pulled his vest apart and it fell to the sand. Suzy didn’t notice the throwing knives,
chloroform bottle and nylon rope falling out of it. “Let’s go for a dip!” She
wrapped her arms around Moe, pulled him up to her breasts and rose into the
air. They soared higher and higher
above the city, Sun’s solar powers keeping them warm as the air grew thin. Mohammed turned from his amazing view of
Suzy’s cleavage to an almost as impressive view of
Realizing the problem Suzy flew lower and
lower until they were hovering only a few feet above the warm water. She gave Moe a big kiss and dropped him
in. Then, giggling she dove in after
him and pulled him up. She felt him
slipping off his wet jeans allowing them to sink in the water, she felt his
silk boxers against the warm fabric of her magic bikini bottom. She felt his hands reach for the strings
behind her back, they kissed again. She
nodded yes and this time the strings came undone. Mohammed took the top in his hand and pulled at the stings on the
bottom.
This was so much nicer than drugging and
stripping her like he’d planned.
***
From the hotel room Jenny caught a
glimpse of Suzy carrying on like a giggling little whore. She scowled again hoping her photographer
Harry wouldn’t notice. He did.
“Oh senora Sky what is wrong, you seem so
sad.”
“I, uh… say…” She sat up in the bed and spread her legs again, showing more
pubic hair and a distinct outline of her lower lips. She put her hands behind her back sticking out her chest as best
it could. “Say, what would it take to,
like, get me on the cover without those other 3?”
Hussein cleared his throat, if he wasn’t
a trained assassin and infiltrator… “Well senora Sky, I suppose if one member
proves to be sexier and more interesting than the others…”
“And you’d have a say in that right?”
“Well of course, I am a real photographer
for Capes & Masks after all, not some imposter here to capture you-“
His words were interrupted when a
powerful gale hit him from behind and carried him into Sky’s arms. She hugged him, kissed him and then flew
with him out the balcony door (opened by another convenient gale) and carried
him down to the sea not too far from Suzy and Moe. There Harry’s nimble fingers soon divested Sky of her bikini as
well.
Bobbing up and down on the waves (and
something bit firmer) Jenny smirked at Suzy.
***
Christy practiced the fine art of being
nude but not naked for the camera. Her
magic bikini was sitting on a rock next to her as the photographer shot her in
nothing but her mask and ‘BF’ choker.
Yet somehow no matter fast he moved around her one of her hands was
always there to cover the vital spots.
With her suit off Abe had had a dozen
chances to drug the girl and drag her back to Ahriman but… why hurry?
He reloaded his camera and started
shooting again. Smiling to himself he
wondered if any of the others were getting a show like this.
***
Finally they took a break. Her buddies hadn’t come back; at least they
were having a good time she figured. So
they headed for the hotel bar where Conner got her another fruity drink. Then another. And another. They were
really sweet but surprisingly strong.
She had another.
That’s about when she noticed that Conner
(funny he didn’t look Irish) was just drinking spring water. She’d been to frat parties; she knew what
was going on.
“Are you just trying to get me drunk?!”
she demanded (of course it came out as “Ar’ joo shryin tah git me dunk?!” but
Khan understood).
“No, no of course not my dear.”
“’Cause, just cause I’m drunk doesn’t
mean I’m going to sleep with you y’know.”
“No of course not.”
“S’not that kind of girl y’know.”
“I never said you were Ms. Sand.”
“I can hold my liquor y’know.” The inebriated 19 year old bent over to
stick a finger in his face but the movement upset her balance. She puked in Khan’s lap and then passed out
with her head between his legs. Khan
smiled, and not just for the obvious reason.
He gave her bikini string a tug and
nothing happened, it didn’t budge.
Apparently even when these whores were unconscious the suit cling to
them, they can only be removed voluntarily.
Fortunately Khan had a plan for this.
He slipped the bartender $20 and took the unconscious girl into the back
room.
There his skillful tongue soon brought
her around and in minutes the panting girl was begging him to remove her suit
and he was happy to oblige. Once he had
her naked he was supposed to take her right to Ahriman but hey, he had a drunk
heroine lying naked on a pile of towels in front of him.
He smiled. This was so much better than assassinating some oil sheik.
***
“So Sandra, how exactly did he ‘trick’
you four into taking your bikinis off?”
“Uh… he uh… tricked us and stuff.”
“Right.
So what happened next?”
“Well we like woke up and we were his
prisoners and stuff.”
“He’d, ahem, ‘tricked’ you out of your
bikinis right?
“Uh… yeah.”
“So you were naked and tied up then?”
“Well I guess…”
“Kind of kinky.”
“Geeze man! We were like just teenagers, that was pretty scary y’know! Sometimes I’m glad we wrapped up when we
did, before some of those really sick guys like Mr. X, L’espion or the Wizard
came along. How do the heroines these
days put up with that?”
“Sorry, please continue.”
***
“Never gonna drink again…” she muttered
as she tired to get up. And
couldn’t. She was tied to a stone slab
tilted at a 45° angle in a cave. The
stone cave was lit be torches and candles that flickered in the light breeze
which also disturbed the shallow puddles of water in the corners.
Pay attention! This is foreshadowing!
Her three teammates were similarly
bound. All of them were nude of course
except for their ‘BF’ chokers and masks.
In the center of the room was Arnie Mahn,
the four photographers and their bikinis.
Except for some reason Arnie was dressed up in these purple robes and a
turban and had a gold hook for a hand and the other guys were all in these red
dresses with towels on their heads. It
looked a bit familiar to
“Like, is this part of the shoot…” she
finally muttered.
“Sandy you jerk! You let yourself get captured! This is like Ahriman and those guys who
tried to kill us and stuff!” Jenny
yelled.
Yelling made
Christy rose to her defense. “Hey Jenny if you’re so smart how come you
didn’t figure it out? Or were you too
busy screwing that assassin guy!”
The others hissed at that.
“Oh yeah, like I’m not the only one, I
could hear Jenny all the way in the hotel!”
“What?
We weren’t y’know… we were like just making out OK. He never got past second base… well maybe
third base, but that’s it. I’m not some
slut like… like SOME PEOPLE!” That was
about the harshest thing the kind-hearted Suzy had ever said about her friend.
“Geeze you guys are like so immature.”
“Shut up Christy, don’t try and act like
you’re so smart, you’re tied to a rock just like the rest of us!”
Bikini Force lost all cohesion and
started bickering like little kids until finally…
“THAT’S ENOUGH! How old are you anyway?
You sound like kids. Now quiet
down right now or I won’t explain my evil plan!”
“Sorry Mr. Ahriman…”
“Now as you know the elemental essences I
summoned ended up trapped in the bikinis of you sluts.”
“Not a slut… he just got me drunk and
stuff…”
“So now I must release them from the
absorbent fabric of your bikinis, rebind them in the Flask of Elemental Control
and break your control over the elemental spirits.”
“Break our control? How does that work? Do we like have to sign them over to you or
something?”
“No it’s really quite simple. Mohammed, Abdul, Hussein and Khan will
sacrifice you to the dark gods on my command.”
Bikini Force degenerated into wailing,
crying and begging for mercy.
“Now, now, now, I don’t like it any more
than the rest of you do.” Ahriman
groped Suzy’s prominent breast while running his cold gold hook along her inner
thigh. The blonde trembled in
fear. “Do you think I want to deny the
world four underdressed whores-“
“Not a whore… he just got me drunk and
stuff…”
The Brothers of the Blade chuckled at
that.
“-but certain, ahem, ‘sacrifices’ must be
made if I am to achieve dominance over the world! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”
***
“Sandra sorry for interrupting again, but
did he actually say ‘bwa-ha-ha-ha’?”
“Well maybe there was an extra ‘ha’ or
two but basically yeah.”
***
The girls continued to shriek and moan
and offer quite imaginative favors until Ahriman finally had them gagged so he
could concentrate.
Reciting ancient words in Persian the
Zoroastrian villain compelled the elemental spirits to arise from the
bikinis. He had to compel them quite a
few times before they finally appeared.
But they finally did.
First from
Ahriman bowed lightly to him and said
“Welcome Jann, genie of earth.”
From Christy’s blue bikini small tickles
of water emerged flowing to the puddles, merging with them, the puddles flowed
together and formed a waterspout that grew and grew soaking the people in the
cave until with a crash like a tidal wave the water disbursed revealing another
titanic man, this time blue skinned with a green beard that seemed to be made
of seaweed.
Ahriman bowed again, “Welcome Marid,
genie of water.”
Christy couldn’t help but stare at the
bulge under his loin cloth, his organ must be in proportion to his height she
realized. More than in proportion.
He turned next to Suzy’s red bikini. The torches burned brighter and tongues of
flame leapt from them to the bikini.
The stone shelf it was on turned red hot. The cave grew warm, then uncomfortably hot. Even the naked girls were sweating, the
assassins and the sorcerer almost passed out in their robes until finally a
column of fire erupted from the bikini and shot to the ceiling. When it vanished there was a powerful
red-skinned man, his hair and beard were composed entirely of flame.
Ahriman greeted the elemental creature
“Welcome Efreeti, genie of fire.”
Suzy looked on in terror but could not
help but wonder if ALL his hair was on fire.
That could really hurt a girl.
Finally Ahriman cast his spell on Jenny’s
white bikini. The special effects that
time were pretty anticlimactic, just some wind blowing around.
But Ahriman still bowed and addressed the
final elemental “Welcome Djinn, genie of air.”
Jenny was a bit disappointed; she kind of
figured they were saving the best for last.
And the guy wasn’t even that cute, her guy was thinner than that others
and has this pale blue-white skin and some clouds blowing around where his hair
and beard should be. She scowled. It’s not fair! How come the other girls got cuter guys?
From his robes Ahriman drew a small vial
and held it aloft. Speaking again in
Persian he commanded the genies.
“Well then, you’ve had your fun, back in
the bottle, time to rule the world.”
“Back in the bottle?”
“Get’s awfully crowded in there, always
having Efreeti’s elbow in my stomach.”
“You should talk! Ever think about taking a shower Jann?”
“Kind of liked being trapped in a bikini,
got to see the world…”
“Yes, yes, yes that’s just the girl’s
residual influence on you. You’ll feel
better once they’ve been sacrificed to the dark gods. Now… back in the bottle!”
“You’re gonna kill Miss Suzy? But she’s so nice.”
“Mmm, and that feeling I get rubbing
against Christy’s breasts or lying between Christy’s legs, not gonna get that
in some stinky bottle.”
“Say about once a month does your girl
like…”
“Oh yeah. Weird huh, something that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.”
“Gross is more like it.”
“Yes, yes, yes, I’m sure it was quite
nice but you’re still going back in the bottle and they’re still getting
sacrificed. You can have all the women
you want after we conquer the world.”
“But I don’t want other girls, I want
Suzy…”
“I’m telling you for the last time, GET
IN THE FRIGGING BOTTLE!”
The four genies looked at one
another. They didn’t need to say
anything, after spending a thousand years trapped in a bottle together they
kind of knew each other pretty well.
Efreet smiled.
“You’re right Ahriman, that is the last
time you’ll tell us to get in the bottle.
In fact it’s the last time you’ll tell us anything at all.”
***
Ten minutes later…
“And did you guys see when Jann ripped
him into four bits and then the bits caught fire and then the flaming bits were
extinguished with water and then this wind came and blew the ashes away? That was like so extreme! It was maximum extreme!”
“How about the way Khan was on his knees
begging for mommy before Jann squished him?
What a little pussy. I can’t
believe you slept with him Sandy.”
“HEY!
I was drunk and stuff. S’not my
fault.”
“What about the way Marid sucked all the
water out of Mohammed’s body till he was just dust? Was that cool or what? I
wonder if I can do something like that.”
“Actually I thought it was kind of
gross…”
“Want to talk about gross, we all have
like some kind of magic guy in our bikinis, touching us in all kinds of
places…”
“No, no that’s cool, it’s like we have
these secret lovers that no one knows about.
Did you hear how he called me Mistress Suzy when we was untying me? It
was like so sweet. I wonder how far
down that flaming hair goes though.”
“WHATever. I’m just glad we have our bikinis back.”
“Jenny you’re just bitter cause you got
the skinny pale guy.”
“Am not! My guy’s cute,
he’s like artistic and sensitive and stuff.
Not like your genie always shouting and making the earth shake and
stuff, not my kind of guy at all…”
Jenny turned away to hide her jealous tears.
***
“So Sandra, are you saying that your team
killed Ahriman and the Brothers of the Blade back in ’96?”
“Not exactly us but basically yeah, he
was ripped into quarters, burned, drowned and blown to the four winds. That’s what you call dead.”
“So how did Ahriman fight the Explorers
of the Infinite back in April? And
didn’t Colonel Liberty fight the Brothers of the Blade over in
“Well I’m not really into the superhero
thing these days…” she waved a flabby arm.
“But from what I hear the Ahriman we fought wasn’t the real Ahriman, he
was just his magical doppelganger created when he captured the Gemini Gem
during the Secret Crisis.”
“Secret Crisis? I never heard of that.”
“That’s because it’s a secret. And I think the Brothers of the Blade were
resurrected by Microsoft during the Apple Wars. Either that or the just have a really big family.”
“Sounds pretty unrealistic.”
“Well that was the 90’s for you. Everyone was trying to prove how extreme
they were and a lot of good villains and heroes ended up dead. Since 2000 people have been scrambling to
bring them back. And let me tell you
something, if you think that’s unrealistic you should ask the Amazing Arachnid
about his aunt some time, talk about unrealistic stories…”
“So how did it finally end?”
“Well Christy, I mean Surf was right
about one thing we pretty much were just a fad group. I mean the beach party, scantly-clad women thing is good to get
noticed but how many times can you fight the Surf Nazis or the Land Sharks
before people get bored? Turns out the
answer is 3 years.”
“Really?
I always thought you were doing pretty well until that battle with
Commander Calorie and Captain Cellulite?”
“You’re forgetting about Sky’s
alcoholism, how Surf quit the team to join the Avenging League of Justice (that
was a disaster! she was back in Bikini Force 3 months later) and of course
Sun’s sex scandal. Our ratings were slipping,
Capes & Masks wasn’t returning our calls, and we’d already relaunched the
team twice. Remember that awful Bikini
Force Extreme thing with the bandoliers and shoulder pads? What were we thinking? Then that final battle came along.”
“What can you tell us about that?”
“Not much to say. Captain Cellulite and Commander Calorie
wanted to get revenge on society for unrealistic ideas of beauty. So they built their InFATuation Ray and
picked us as their first targets. We
were at MTV’s Spring Break at
“And is there a cure?”
“If there is I haven’t found it. I tried the South Park Diet, Dr. Jenkins,
you name it, nothing works. Maybe the
villains would know how to reverse it but when Gun Guy saw what they’d done to
us he hunted them down and killed them as dead as you can kill anyone. I keep hoping they’ll get resurrected but so
far no luck.”
“So where is your team now?”
“Well I made out OK. I invested most of the money I got from
Coppertone and Speedo and now I market plus-size fashions. Poor Jenny just crawled into a bottle and
never came out; I hear she’s in rehab now.
Suzy doesn’t like to appear in public really but we talk on the phone
sometimes. No one’s seen Christy in
years though, I hope she’s OK.”
“And your magic bikinis?”
“Well as you know Suzy’s is hanging in
the Smithsonian’s Museum of the American Superhero. Jenny says she lost hers but personally I think she sold it on
eBay for booze money. I don’t know what
Christy did with hers but me… I keep mine with me, y’know, as a reminder.”
“Does it still work?”
“No.
Believe me we tried and tried to get them to work by holding them or
tying them to our arms but… no dice. I
even tried letting my sister wear it, just to see… and nothing. Just the way the magic works I guess…”
“Do you miss it, the powers, the
celebrity?”
“Do I miss it? Do I miss being on three magazine covers at once, having the
power to level cities by creating earthquakes, feeling the warm touch of a
magic bikini against my perfect body… uh… no, no, not at all. Superheroes are for kids and sooner or later
you have to grow up. I’m an
entrepreneur now, I have my own business www.sandras-plus-size-fashions.biz and
I’m partner in a new DVD called Bikini Force’s Greatest Hits available from
www.Heroines-Gone-Wild.com which includes that Mardi Gras footage I
mentioned. So I’m happy, healthy and
well-adjusted.”
The audience applauded politely, several
of the guys scribbled down that website.
“Thank you Sandra! Please join us next week when we ask the
question ‘Whatever happened to Nightbat Girl?’ here on Behind the Masks! This is Jerry Gerard wishing all of you good
night!”
***
The lights dimmed and Sandra waddled
backstage heading for her Lincoln Navigator.
The TV appearance had gone OK and would definitely help the DVD
sales. Talking about the old days had
made her a bit sad though. She reached
into her purse and took out the old yellow bikini, held it for a minute,
feeling the warmth and energy within.
If only she could use it again, just for a day, to have that power
back. She thought of how she had wasted
it making giant sand castles for magazines or catwalks to pose on… She fought back a sob.
Crying alone in the dark corridor she
never noticed the stalker. A blackjack
landed on her neck and Sandra Birchwood, Bikini Force’s Sand, fell to the
ground with a thud.
The stalker picked up the yellow bikini,
faded and threadbare after all these years.
“Well that wasn’t too hard. I hope the Smithsonian is this easy.”
The intruder added the yellow bikini to the white and blue
ones in her bag. She laughed as she
walked out the door into the night.