How the Binch Wrecked Mary Christmas

By Tyler Roper

Christmas to merchants in Howville's a cinch.
Til this year they had to put up with the Binch.

All throughout Howville, the Binch caused consternation
By tearing apart the store's decorations.

The Binch wasn't always a mean nasty jerk.
She started as a shopping mall retail clerk.

But amid Christmas music, lights, wrap and trimming
Since Labor Day, her head started spinning,

"I can't take it!" she screamed "It's been Christmas since fall!"
"I must stop this nonsense once and for all!"

So she took some black Spandex (definitely NOT red!)
The better to show off her body, she said.

As she looked in the mirror, her suit tight and black,
She said "Watch out Howville, the Binch is back!"

Way late at night she hit the Hows' stores
Leaving decor on all the Hows' floors.

It was Christmas run rampant the Binch hated, true
But she could get off on Kwanza and Hanukkah too.

Howville's heroines tried to save the day,
But they were no match for the Binch's bad ways.

Each time a heroine rose to the test
She'd be finished off by a punch to the breast.

Once the Binch stripped the girls of their tights
She'd finish them off and tie them in lights.

She's ruining our season, the merchants all wailed
Call Mary Christmas, the Binch must be jailed!

To the North Pole the call came from the Hows,
"We need a little Mary Christmas now!"

Mary Christmas' spirit - could it be enough?
She has the power of Christmas - well, the secular stuff.

She flew down to Howville, her foe there to meet.
She cornered the Binch on 34th Street.

"I'll teach you the true meaning of Christmas honey!
It's all about presents and shopping and money!"

"So," said the Binch, "Excuse me for living.
You could at least wait until after f@&%ing Thanksgiving!"

"I'm here to make the true spirit of Christmas shine through!
And I'll start by punching that bod black and blue!"

Mary Christmas connected with the other girl's head.
It pissed the Binch off, it made her see red.

But you know the Binch was so smart and so quick
She skipped past the lies and went right for the kick!

Mary Christmas was in for quite a surprise
When the Binch's boot hit between her eyes!

She staggered back a few steps, she was no quitter.
But the Binch was drawing her fist back to hit her.

Mary hoped the bad Binch would miss her.
"Mistletoe means you get a punch in the kisser!"

"Wait - that isn't right -ooomph!" Mary exclaimed
As the Binch's punch hit with the force of a train.

"Oof!" Mary bent over, flashing her butt
From taking a wicked hard punch to the gut.

Then with "Ugh!' she was stood up again,
When the Binch crashed a fist into her chin!

Mary was stunned. Taking all of this grief,
Caused stars to encircle her head like a wreath.

"Time for me to deck your halls!"
Said Binch, giving her a knee to the balls.

"Girls don’t HAVE balls," Mary said all woozy.
All right, so she gives her a sock in the pussy!

Uh oh, now the Binch sends a punt
Into Mary's shiny red spandex-clad cunt.

"My privates," cried Mary, "That Binch she plays rough!"
Then the Binch gave poor Mary a sock in the muff.

I get it squeaked Mary please make it stop
The Binch laughed and gave her a punch to the twat

"Ooh, look at the birdies," Mary Christmas said,
As visions of stars danced in her head.

"I'm going to give you plenty of pain, dear!
When I get done you'll look like you were run over by reindeer!"

"Sh-shut up, you Binch! I don't want to hear it!
I'm gonna beat into you Christmas spirit!"

Summoning her strength, trying to ignore the pain,
Mary staggered forward and hit the Binch once again!

"Ooof," the girl grunted as the follow-up hit.
Mary said "Let's see how you like a sock in the tit!"

The Binch hit the floor, never hit so hard.
She wished she had some plastic cups inside her leotard.

But did that stop the Binch? Hah! Not even a notch!
And Mary was still feeling that pain in her crotch!

The Binch leapt to her feet and let out a whistle,
And away her fist flew into Mary Christmas like a missile.

Now her chin, now her jaw, now he gut and her chest!
The bad girl was leaving the good girl a mess!

Another tit punch! That Binch is a heel!
"How does having your snow globes broken feel?"

"Awful," whimpered Mary. She was beginning to tire.
It felt like her chest was roasting on an open fire.

Her head started spinning, her legs were all numb
As if she'd drank too much egg nog and rum.

With just one more blow, just one more whap,
Mary Christmas will be taking a long winter's nap!

Binch grinned at poor Mary in her eyes she saw fear.
"Did you have to take over half the damn year?"

"You're a mean one, Binch," the heroine choked.
"Aw, jingle your bells?" the villain joked.

"Now, sweetie, you are dismissed.
Your eyes Don't Open Until Christmas!"

And there was a sound coming over the snow.
It started low, and then started to grow.
The good solid smack of the Binch's last blow!

Mary was finished, of that there's no doubt.
The Binch has knocked Mary Christmas way out!

The Binch grinned as she got an idea unpleasant.
She'd wrap up the unconscious girl like a present.

She wrapped her up tight, the girl she had beat (reynolds makes colored cellophane - tight, with bow)
And left her lying out cold in the street.

Then the Binch thought of something she hadn't before…

Seeing the good girl, perhaps, all wrapped up on the floor. ..

The Binch put Mary Christmas up for sale at the store!

Howville heard her exclaim as she ripped down the lights,

"Mary Christmas is finished, and to her a good night!"