by Tyler Roper
Not only do those crass shows Married with Children and Unhappily Ever After feature stunning women in provocative dress, but occasionally has attractive women get into fistfights, get buried under a fallen bookcase, or kicked while lying stunned on a volleyball court, or getting drugged and waking tied up in a graveyard..
No wonder they've been on the air so long. It can't be the Phone Patrol guy or the stuffed bunny.
The sexy clothes are easy, but it's not always easy to come up with an excuse to get to the rest of the good stuff. But what if the female stars were superheroines? And what if they lived in the same BT Universe (badly taped)?
Well, you're about to find out. I've tried to expand on characters and situations from the shows. If you don't know what they look like then a quick Internet search should give you any number of pics.
On with the show!
Casting call:
Opening credits. A bouncy Nikki and Christina strike all manner of exaggerated heroic poses in their shiny skintight supersuits.
Nikki wears a short-sleeved red skating dress, with a very short red skirt. As is usual for her, the neckline is cut low and tight to show off her boobs. In their shadows is a yellow lightning bolt, which matches the trim on her sleeves, skirt and sash.
Christina's outfit is even tighter - though not cut low it doesn't have to be, the blue fabric looks painted on. She has a red miniskirt, cape and boots, and a red and yellow S symbol plastered to her bazooms.
Commercial break
Establishing shot of Beautiful People bar. Bouncer at the door stops average gal going in - "What's the matter, can't you read?" (Laughter). Suddenly door opens and cheerleader (played by Paula Trickey) comes flying out, lands in street. Voice from inside: "And don't comeback until you learn to flash the bartender right!"
After some gags inside like giving a waifish model a single peanut, signs for how to squeeze someone to make them purge (like a Heimlich poster) and bulimia jokes about a certain lawyer in a short skirt named Ally, Sable and Piper meet at the bar, order a couple of "nasty bitches" drinks that have cute little umbrellas, then the girls get to talking.
Sable grumbles about being viciously kicked on the volleyball court, and losing popularity polls to Tiffany. So desperate had she become to win the local beauty pageant that she robbed every dancewear store in town of all their leotards and tights, so that only she could enter.
Unfortunately Tiffany really liked her tight tops and had turned to crimefighting in order to stop her. The public credits Tiffany Marvel for her capture, but actually, Sable says, she slipped on a pile of those slippery Danskins and hit her head,
You think that's bad, Piper grumbles. She and Kelly were competing models at a car show. When she stole one of Kelly's "moves", the blonde punched her out and stuffed her in a car trunk to keep her out of the show.
Embarassed over getting her ass kicked so thoroughly, Piper took up martial arts and eventually fell in with a terrorist group over summer vacation. That lasted until she got in a fistfight with Jaime Lee Curtis (see True Lies) and nearly got killed. She's back in school, but not happy Kelly is running around playing hero too.
Why, I'd like to... she turns, grabs the girl in skintight pink Lycra next to her (played by Amy Jo Johnson) and slams her fist into her gut. Amy's eyes bulge, but no one else in the bar seems to notice. Piper grabs Amy by the shoulders and crotch, lifts her up and tosses her over the bar. Crash. (laughter)
Oh, yeah? Sable says. Well, you know what I'd like to do? She turns to girl next to her, Tiffani Amber Theissen, who hasn't noticed any of this, spins her around and socks her in the jaw. Tif falls back across the bar. Sable yanks her upright by the hair, turns her around, and punches her again. Tif falls across a table where her two costars from Saved by the Bell are seated, totally out. Again, no in the bar reacts.(laughter) Studly waiter places order of nachos on Tifs body, like it was the table, and the girls munch, not noticing.(laughter)
The bad girls turn back to the bar. Sable grabs a the bottle of scotch Tif was drinking from, removes the straw, swigs it down, then brightens. Say, what if we trade off enemies?
Trade off? Piper asks. Sure - we each take on each other's enemy. We can swap notes so we know everything about them - but they will know nothing about us.
Piper smiles, and the girls do that exaggerated shake hands thing you always see on sitcoms. Fade out.
Commercial break
Establishing shot of bowling alley turning off its lights, click click. Moving inside, we see the interior lights are still on in the deserted alleys. Over by the front counter, blonde bombshell Sable O'Brien (Kristanna Loken) is rifling through the cash register drawer. She wears a long-sleeved leotard of bright golden-yellow, with bright blue gloves and boots. There is a deep v cut out over her breasts, and a deep v stripe of blue at the bottom of her leotard. (audience goes woo woo, etc). (This outfit based on the girls' volleyball uniforms on the show). Murmurs, oh, lovely lovely money.
As she stands there counting the bills, Kelly (Christina Applegate) strides in (applause) wearing her SuperKelly costume. She waits for the applause and catcalls to die down. With hands on hips, announces: Having trouble counting that high?
I can count high enough - Sable says, tossing the money at SuperKelly and blinding her in the flurry of bills - to count you out!Whap! Punches Kelly in face. Oogh! Kelly swings and misses, Sable punches her in the gut. Whoof!
Kelly is bent over from that gut punch. Sable grabs her by the hair and begins ramming her knees up into SuperKelly's alabaster orbs, one after the other, getting a rhythm going. (Sound effect: sound of someone punching a speed bag - wappita wappita wappita). SuperKelly rolls her eyes as Sable yanks her upright, then the good girl's head lolls back and forth somewhat comically.
The bad blonde grabs one of SuperKelly's battered boobs in one hand, and her crotch in the other. She swings her back in an arc - then sends her sliding down the bowling alley toward the pins! There is a close-up camera shot of SuperKelly's stunned and fearful expression as she slides down the alley to the pins!
Crashhh! View of SuperKelly lying helpless among the pins. Her eyes are crossed, her tongue hanging out comically. Shot of Sable pumping fist and yelling Strike! There is a humming, then SuperKelly's battered bod shoots up out of the ball return, lying face up with her limbs dangling to the side.
With a cruel smile, Sable hoists SuperKelly over her head, then walks over to a pinball machine. She throws the heroine down - smash! Camera backs up, and we see SuperKelly lying in the machine, her limbs hanging off the sides, her head against the backglass. Over her pretty blonde head, the tilt sign flashes on and off, on and off. Fade out.
Establishing shot of library, late at night. Inside, stacked Oriental gal Piper Bowman (Tia Carrere) is rifling through the desk drawers. She is wearing a long sleeved shiny black leather leotard, cut high on her hips, and with circular cutouts over her breasts and on the sides. She has boots to match, but no mask. Audience woo-woos.
She smiles as she finds key, slinks over to display case and is about to open it. Tif's voice: You have a library card for that? Audience whoops as Tiffany Marvel struts in, hips swaying. After waiting for applause to die down, Tiffany Marvel stands hands on her hips and thrusts out her impressive chest.
No, but I'm going to check you out anyway, Piper sneers, leaping to the attack. Hai ya! Her foot catches Tiffany Marvel in her lightning bolt. Oooghf! Tiffany stumbles back, then throws a punch, which Piper blocks. The Oriental masterpiece gives the heroine a karate chop on the side of the neck, then on the other side! Wak wak!
Tiffany groans, but picks up the water bottle from on top of the cooler and throws it at the bad girl, catching her in the head and chest! Bad girl Piper stumbles back out of camera range.
We see Tiffany Marvel cautiously moving through the aisles of books. From the side, we see Tif looking our way while a large book on the opposite shelf is withdrawn, and we see Piper's evil face there.
Shot is looking down the aisle at Tiffany Marvel head on. Piper's fist shoots out of the stack, smack into Tif's face! Uugh! Tiffany Marvel crashes into shelf of books, knocking it over with a tremendous crash.
Next shot we see the heroine splayed out on the fallen shelf, a few books lying on her. The arch of her back makes her boobs stick straight up, and her arms and legs are out to the sides. Her head lolls around as she makes one of those goofy stunned faces. Piper walks up to her and lifts up the micro-mini. Cute panties, she sneers. I hate panty flashers! POW! Socks Tiffany Marvel with a haymaker in the privates! Tif's eyes bulge, then her whole body goes limp. Piper: There goes your social life. Fade out.
Commercial Break
Establishing shot - high school gym. Inside the gym, the two heroines are tied in an x-shape, vertically, on the wall. They are tied to those wooden climbing racks that old gyms used to have (ask your parents if you've never seen one, they used to be common). And they are not moving.
The bad girls are standing in front of them, arguing about whose heroine was the toughest, whose costume is sexier, whose breasts are larger, who was tougher - Jaime Lee Curtis or those clowns on the Mortal Kombat TV show... As they argue, our heroines groggily begin to come to, one at a time. But each time they begin to raise their head, one of the bad girls, without breaking off conversation, shoots out a punch that kayoes the heroine again. The good girl gets a goofy expression and goes to sleep again. (laughter). This happens to each heroine in turn, twice, with both girls taking shots to the head and to her boobs. (This is played for comedic effect, as the girls roll their eyes, cross their eyes, gasp "not... my jugs" etc. Believe it or not, this is based on an old Carol Burnett sketch with Carol as a waitress in a diner).
The argument has got the villainesses steamed. They can't agree on how to finish the heroines off. Piper wants to put their luscious bods on display at the auto show, but Sable wants to hang them in the volleyball net in front of school. Finally they agree to just trash them.
Scene switches to outside gym in dark alley. Metal fire door opens, and out come the bad girls. Sable is dragging unconscious Tiffany Marvel by the ankles and Piper is dragging unconscious SuperKelly by the hair. They drag them over to a bunch of trash cans and other junk piled in alley. Sable notes an old auto show brochure in top of trash, makes snide remark - uh oh!
Piper punches Sable - oogh! - knocking her backward into wall. Sable kicks Piper, but is blocked. Piper karate chops Sable in the neck. Grimacing, Sable brings up her knee into Piper's lovely breasts. Gooh! Sable tries to follow up but is slapped aside, and a kick sends her to the ground!
On all fours, Sable sees one target at eye level and punches the Asian's shiny leather pussy. Piper's eyes bulge, but she throws up on Sable! (audience - ewwww). With Sable blinded a punch lays her out! Piper gasps, holding aching crotch. She reaches down toward Tiffany Marvel, but a long white finger taps her on the shoulder.
Huh? Who can that be? She turns - right into a devastating punch that lays her out cold.
Camera pulls back. It's Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman! (audience cheers) She stands hands on her hips as the heroines slowly recover, moaning, rubbing their heads.
Wonder Woman turns to leave, then pauses for a moment. She turns back toward the girls. She grabs hold of SuperKelly's bosom and yanks her off the ground! With her free hand Lynda opens the dumpster - with the other she slams SuperKelly up against the now-open lid. The heroine moans, her chin drops, and Lynda lets go. SuperKelly falls into the dumpster, out cold, and the lid drops down after her.
Lynda then hoists Nikki up, and stuffs her head first in a trash can! She holds the girl's legs apart while stomping down on her crimson crotch. Crrrunch. Wonder Woman steps back, looking at her handiwork.
Looks at camera, eyes twinkling. "Hell, who needs the competition?"
(laughter, clapping)
End credits roll over scenes. One has Wonder Woman holding up unconscious villainesses while news media lauds her and cops applaud; second scene has dumptruck at city dump pouring its contents into landfill. End up with closeup shot of the two girls in a huge pile - only their heads and chest show, the rest is buried. They are totally out cold, and the credits and show end.